13 February 2006, 13:56
Archpriest Vsevolod Chaplin.
The commandments of post-christian paganism (a satirical note on the occasion of the opening of the World Council of Churches Assembly)
It is the time to become honest: today many Christian circles in fact believe in post-Christian paganism. Alright, why should’t we formulate its creed? It can be even proclaimed solemnly at the Porto Alegre Assembly (at least by the Western European delegates), just to mark the final victory over the darkness of fundamentalism!
First of all, the Ten Commandments:
I am the Basically Unknown Supreme Being (some stupid people were calling me God and even Father; sorry for that). I tell you people: believe in me, in anyone else or just in anything. It all doesn’t matter!
Still, don’t worship the terrible idols of racism, sexism, ageism, religionism, nationalism and capitalism. Liberalism and Marxism are allowed to a certain extent.
Don’t pronounce the name of your Lord in an exclusivist way. Don’t pronounce it publicly at all - it may hurt so many good people!
Celebrate Saturdays with the Jews and Fridays with the Moslems. Go to the beach on Sundays. Don’t work on all these days to show solidarity with those who are pressed to work.
Respect the founding mothers and fathers of Democracy and Enlightenment. They have made all people happy forever, even if some of you are stupid enough to disagree with that.
Don’t kill (if you are not a member of a liberation movement).
Steal only from the rich.
Rape and sexual harassment are forbidden. Paedophilia, too (until 2030). All other sexual behaviour is not subject to these commandments.
Do not say anything which is not politically correct: Big Democratic Brother is watching you.
Do not wish anything which is not in line with pluralism and tolerance: do not bother the Big Brother, control your thoughts from within.
And, of course, the Beatitudes:
Blessed are the poor, for they can criticise the rich.
Blessed are the tolerant, for they will inherit the Earth.
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst after social justice, for they will be never fed up with it.
Blessed are the pacifists, for they are well guarded by armies.
Blessed are the outspoken, for the final judgment will always be in their hands.
Blessed are freedom fighters, for they are always right.
Blessed are those who struggle with the darkness of the past, for they don’t care what will be said about them in the future.
Blessed are the oppressed for whatever reason, for theirs is the Kingdom of Media.
Blessed are you when you play a victim, for that brings you victory.
Rejoice and be glad, all of you, for your gain is guaranteed in this world!